Now they are gone

Well it’s been two months since I last wrote, usually this means that things have been going well and I haven’t needed the catharsis of writing, but between the 23rd April and now, a lot has happened.

So, when I left you I was picking myself up after breaking it off with a guy with whom I’d spent three wintery months hibernating in a sort of placid, platonic intimacy that I think comforted us both, excited neither of us, and which certainly wasn’t ticking any new boxes for me. Then he drove me into a lamppost on Valentine's Day and things rapidly went downhill. Since then I've celebrated my twin sisters' birthday with a fancy meal in Birmingham, visited friends in London (one of whom is pregnant and the other who has a gorgeous new baby boy), and been to Brighton where I utterly failed to keep up with the partying but got to hang out with friends on the beach. The weekend that I last posted on this blog I also saw the fantastic production of Jane Eyre by the National Theatre, and spent a wonderful afternoon at the Spa with (yet more) pregnant friends, having a relaxing massage.

Just two days after that post however, on the 25th April, my Nana died.


Body Positivity: Notes From a Determined Woman

I read three things, good, bad, and inspiring, in the past week that were served up to me via the body positive sources I have filled my world with. Now I have feelings about them that won't go away so, you're welcome ... 

First the worst

This New York Post article has been doing the rounds, "Why I Won't Date Hot Woman Anymore". The title alone is of course obnoxious, the entitlement, the arrogance, my teeth were grinding before I even read it, and I probably shouldn't have read it at all. I won't go into the long, long list of reasons why it's just unbearable, but I will say that my overwhelming feelings were of disbelief and pity. Who are these people who are choosing their partners, who they're presumably expecting to stay with for many years, purely on their looks? I understand sleeping with someone as a one off because you're superficially attracted to them, but to continue to date that person that you view as a sort of ... human accessory? How is that not soul-sucking? Looks fade and do you really want to be bored for the rest of your life? Don't you want to be cared for, to love, to have fun, and share meaningful experiences with a person you actually like?


And Then the Wheels Fell Off

How long is too long to wait for someone to tell you they don’t actually want to be with you?

I spent this winter hibernating in the arms of HP Guy who was good company, kind, and who appeared to enjoy spending time with me. That passion I was looking for somehow never seemed to be there though, despite him insisting he wanted to keep seeing me. Eventually I began to wonder, have I just been caught in another comfort and company thing? I questioned what was going on and received an eerily familiar reply.

“Yeah I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry my mind's been on other things for too long and I haven't devoted enough time to you as I should; and that's not fair.
It's a bizarre one, because I really like you and really enjoy your company. But maybe my head space isn't right, right now, and I'm having trouble committing, which is the completely honest answer. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I would enjoy carry on hanging out - lots, but maybe we put the dating thing on hold for now. 
It's the classic not you it's me thing and I know that sounds terrible but yeah x”

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